Before you make that first cut, REMEMBER – you will find the blood and pain release

 addictive. Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that arnt’t deep and

will heal easily – They will get deeper. They will scar. They will take sometimes months

to heal. And years for the scars to FADE. If you think you can limit the cutting to one

area of your body, think again. It will spread when you run out of skin. Be prepared to

 withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame. Even if you are the most

honest person ever to live – you will find yourself lying to the people you LOVE. You

will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in

poison. You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or

because it just plain hurts so much to be touched. Be prepared to get so out of control

you fear your next cut because you don’t know how bad it will be. Just wait for 10 cuts to

turn into 100. Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about

CUTTING – cutting and covering up cutting. And just wait till that first time you cut

“too deep.” And you freck out because the blood won’t stop… and you are gasping…

and you feel yourself shaking all over. You are having a panic attack and you are

terrified but you CAN’T tell anyone. So you sit there alone…Praying it will be okay –

swearing  you’ll never let it go this far again… but you WILL and FURTHER…Don’t

worry, you will learn how to take care of you cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper

and avoid the emergency room. And the better you get at TREATING your cuts, the

deeper they get. You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find yourself spending 20,

30, or 50 dollars every time you go to the PHARMACY. You will feel the flutter of

your heartbeat every time you go to the counter to ring up your order. Butterfly strips

– 3 or 4 different kinds of dressings…Antibiotic cream…Medical tape…scar

reducers…you will tap you foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and no one

will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things. And at the same time secretly

hope SOMEONE will notice – someone who is standing in line with an armful of the

same SUPPLIES. Someone who understands – but of course that never happens.

Medical supplies won’t be the only thing you spend all your money on. Be prepared to

 buy a new wardrobe –LONGSLEEVE SHIRTS in summer colors, bracelets,

wristbands, boots…the list goes on and on. You will start looking at EVERYONE in a

 different way. Scanning their bodies of any signs of self-injury. Just hopingthat you

might meet someone like you so you don’t feel so terribly alone. You won’t even

THINK about it, as your eyes scan their wrists and arms. Hoping, just hoping, they will

 be like you. But they are not. You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed

and alone. You will start doing a lot of things alone. You will always have to wash your

laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels. You will

always be cleaning up the blood. Scrubbing your bathroom floor. Wiping the blood off

your keyboard. You wont’ be able to make it through a day without cutting. Next thing

you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a

sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies. When you get really

desperate, anything will be a cutting TOOL …scissors…a car key…a needle…a

paperclip…your nails…even a pen. Doesn’t matter what it is if you need to cut bad

enough you will find something. Say goodbye to things you took for granted.  Like

wearing shorts or sandals…pedicures…sleeveless tops. A normal summer day at the

beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you. Get ready to itch.

Because you will itch and itch. So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin

disease. You will become an expert on your body as you DESTROY it carefully. You

will dream about cutting. You will dream about being exposed. It will haunt you day

and night and take over your life. You will wish you never made that first cut because

while you absolutely hate cutting – At the same time you love it and cannot live